Do you catch yourself replaying a casual remark for days, feeling it tug at your mood and your confidence? Taking things personally can turn small moments into heavy emotional loads. It drains your energy, strains relationships, and makes everyday interactions feel riskier than they are.
A lot of this comes down to how the brain keeps you safe. When something hits a nerve, your threat system fires first and your reasoning arrives second. If you already carry old hurts or self-doubt, even neutral comments can feel like judgment. The good news is that this is a pattern you can learn to recognise and change. With the right tools, you can respond with steadiness instead of spiralling.
This article explains why we take things personally, the mental habits that intensify it, and practical steps to shift the pattern. It’s written for anyone who wants lighter days and sturdier boundaries.
Why You Take Things Personally
The role of past experiences and emotional wounds
Early experiences teach us what to expect from others and how safe we feel being ourselves. If you grew up around criticism, blame, or inconsistency, your nervous system may be tuned to scan for danger in conversation. A throwaway comment can echo like an old accusation. It is not that you are “too sensitive”; it is that your system learnt to stay alert.
As adults, we carry those templates into work, friendships, and family life. A colleague’s rushed tone can feel like rejection. A partner’s question can sound like a verdict. When you notice your reaction is bigger than the moment, it is often a sign that an older story has been pulled into the present.
How insecurity and low self-worth play a part
When your inner critic is loud, you are primed to personalise. You read uncertainty as dislike, feedback as failure, and silence as proof that you have done something wrong. Insecurity makes you scan for evidence that your worst self-beliefs are true. The loop strengthens itself: you expect criticism, so you notice more of it, so you believe you deserve it.
A steadier sense of self-worth changes the filter. The same words land differently when you trust your value. You can take what is helpful and set the rest down.
Why your brain is wired to detect threats
Your amygdala, the brain’s alarm bell, responds to social threat quickly and automatically. The body readies itself before the thinking brain has time to weigh in. That is why you can know a remark is not personal and still feel a surge of heat or shame. It is biology doing its job a little too enthusiastically for modern life.
What helps is not forcing yourself to “get over it” but learning how to slow the reaction and bring the thinking brain back online. Grounding, breath, and a short pause are not clichés; they are ways to give your nervous system time to settle so you can choose your response.
ADHD and Taking Things Personally
For many people with ADHD, this pattern can feel more intense. Differences in emotional regulation and a lifetime of misunderstood feedback can make remarks sting longer. Rejection can feel sharper, and “sticky thoughts” can replay interactions on a loop.
This is referred to as Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD), a symptom used to describe the extreme emotional pain and sensitivity that can come from perceived or actual rejection. For those who experience it, RSD can feel overwhelming and disproportionate compared to the situation, yet it reflects how the ADHD brain processes social threat.
If this is you, it is not a character flaw. It simply means you may need clearer tools, more structure around recovery after tricky conversations, and extra self-compassion as you practise new habits.
Common Mental Habits That Trigger Overreaction
Personalisation: making it about you
Personalisation is the habit of assuming events are about you when they are not. A friend cancels, and you decide you must be boring. Your manager is brief in a meeting, and you assume they are disappointed in you. Personalisation narrows your view to the version where you are the problem. It is exhausting and rarely accurate.
Spot it: You jump to blame yourself. You feel responsible for others’ moods. You get hurt by feedback not directed at you.
Shift it: Ask, “What else could this mean?” Generate at least two neutral or kind alternatives before you act.
Mind reading: assuming others’ intentions
Mind-reading is when you decide you know what someone thinks without checking. A short text becomes “they are angry”. A delayed reply becomes “they are ignoring me”. You end up reacting to a story rather than a fact.
Spot it: Quick conclusions. Negative interpretations of unclear moments. Decisions based on imagined opinions.
Shift it: Replace certainty with curiosity. Ask clarifying questions or hold the thought lightly until you have more information.
Perfectionism and fear of failure
Perfectionism sets standards you cannot meet and then uses them to prove you are not enough. Feedback feels like exposure. Small errors feel like identity statements. You protect yourself by overworking, avoiding, or delaying.
Spot it: All-or-nothing thinking. Harsh self-talk about minor mistakes. Comparing yourself to impossible standards.
Shift it: Use “good enough for now” as a practice. Define what “done” means before you start. Celebrate progress, not just outcomes.
8 Ways to Stop Taking Things Personally
1) Ask yourself: What else could it be?
When you feel the sting, pause. Before you reply, widen the frame.
Try this (2 minutes):
- Name the trigger in one sentence.
- List three other explanations, at least one kind.
Example: “They were short because they were busy. They were short because they are stressed. They were short because they thought I already understood.” - Choose the most generous realistic option and act as if that is true.
Why this works: You interrupt the threat story and re-engage your reasoning. Even if your first guess was right, you will respond more calmly.
Micro-practice
Set a reminder on your phone with the phrase: “What else could this be?” Use it before you send a sensitive message.
2) Reframe your self-talk
Your inner voice sets the tone of your day. Harsh self-talk makes everything sound like a verdict.
Try this (journal prompt):
- Write the exact sentence your inner critic says.
- Rewrite it in a balanced voice a kind friend would use.
“I always mess up” becomes “I am learning. One mistake does not erase the good work.”
Why this works: You are not pretending. You are practising accuracy and compassion at the same time.
Micro-practice
When you catch a harsh phrase, add “and that is only one part of the picture.”
3) Think about the source of criticism
Not all feedback is equal. Some opinions deserve front-row seats. Others belong in the cheap seats.
Try this (quick filter):
- Relevance: Does this person understand the context?
- Relationship: Do they want what is best for you?
- Reliability: Do they have a good track record for useful feedback?
If the answer is no to most, file it under “not mine to carry”.
Micro-practice
Make a short list of your trusted feedback people. When criticism arrives, check whether it comes from that list before you engage deeply.
4) Set emotional and physical boundaries
Boundaries are not walls. They are clear edges that protect what matters to you. Without them, other people’s feelings flood your space, and you end up reacting to their weather.
Try this (language to use):
- “I am happy to hear feedback. Please be specific about the behaviour, not my character.”
- “I can talk about this after lunch. I am not able to discuss it right now.”
- “I am not comfortable with that.”
Why this works: Boundaries reduce ambiguity. Clarity calms the nervous system and gives you a steady script to follow.
Micro-practice
Choose one boundary sentence from above and practise it out loud until it feels natural.
5) Stop replaying negative interactions
Rumination keeps the hurt fresh. Your brain believes what you mentally rehearse.
Try this (reset plan):
- Move your body for five minutes. Walk, stretch, or shake out your hands.
- Change your environment. Different chair, different room, or step outside.
- Redirect focus with a short, absorbing task. Tidy a drawer, water the plants, or make tea.
If the thought returns, say, “Not helpful right now,” and return to your plan.
Micro-practice
Create a “replay disruptor” list on your phone with three quick actions you will do the next time you start looping.
6) Practise self-compassion and acceptance
Self-compassion is not letting yourself off the hook. It is keeping your humanity in the picture while you grow.
Try this (compassion break):
- Mindfulness: “This is a tough moment.”
- Common humanity: “Struggling is part of being human.”
- Kindness: “May I be gentle with myself as I learn.”
Why this works: Shame shuts down learning. Kindness keeps you moving.
Micro-practice
Place a hand on your chest when you notice a spike of shame. Breathe slowly for three breaths before you speak.
7) Focus on your values, not others’ opinions
Values are your inner compass. When you choose from values, you feel steady even if others disagree.
Try this (values to action):
- Pick three values that matter right now. Examples: integrity, curiosity, connection.
- For each, write one small behaviour you can do this week that expresses it.
- When criticism arrives, ask, “Is my next step aligned with my values?”
Micro-practice
Add your three values to a sticky note on your desk. Glance at them before difficult calls.
8) Learn to let go and move on
Not every misunderstanding needs a summit. Trying to win every person over will drain you.
Try this (release ritual):
- Write the situation on a scrap of paper.
- Decide what is in your control and what is not.
- Keep the “control” part as an action step. Rip up or bin the rest.
Why this works: You mark a clear endpoint. Your brain responds to rituals that signal closure.
Micro-practice
Use the phrase, “That belongs to them,” when you notice yourself carrying someone else’s mood.
A Note for ADHD Brains
If you live with ADHD, you may find some steps consistently more challenging, not just at the beginning. Emotional regulation differences and past experiences often run deeper, which can make stopping replay loops or holding boundaries in the moment feel much harder. It is not simply a matter of willpower; ADHD brains are often wired with more layers of sensitivity and past trauma woven in.
That’s why extra structure makes such a difference. Try visual cues, short timers, body-based resets, and written scripts you can lean on during tricky conversations. Build in recovery time after intense interactions. Small supports don’t just help; they can completely change how manageable the day feels.
How to Build Emotional Resilience
Develop a strong sense of self-worth
Self-worth is different from self-esteem. Self-esteem rises and falls with performance. Self-worth says, “I have value because I exist.” When you anchor to that, criticism becomes information rather than a verdict.
Try this:
- List three qualities you value that are not about achievement. For example, kindness, humour, persistence.
- Ask a trusted person to name one way they see each quality in you.
- Keep the list where you can see it on difficult days.
Use mindfulness to stay grounded
Grounding techniques create space between trigger and response. They are simple and powerful.
Three options:
- 5-4-3-2-1: Name five things you can see, four you can touch, three you can hear, two you can smell, one you can taste.
- Body scan: Notice your feet, legs, torso, arms, and face.
- Counting breath: Inhale to four, hold to two, exhale to six. Repeat three times.
Practise assertive communication
Assertiveness sits in the middle of passive and aggressive. It respects you and the other person.
Skills to practise:
- Use “I” statements: “I felt X when Y happened. Next time, can we try Z?”
- Keep your tone even, your posture relaxed, and your message brief.
- Ask for specifics: “What would better look like next time?”
When It’s Actually About You
How to accept constructive feedback
Feedback is easier to hear when you separate behaviour from identity.
Try this:
- Listen fully before you respond.
- Reflect back what you heard: “So the main issue is the deadline, yes?”
- Thank the person. Then take time to consider before you decide on your next step.
Turning criticism into growth
After the sting fades, ask one practical question: “What is the smallest change that would improve this next time?” Then do that first. Small, consistent changes outpace big promises.
Knowing when to take responsibility
If similar feedback appears from different people, there is likely something to address. Owning your part is not the same as taking all the blame. Name your piece clearly and outline how you will handle it going forward.
Support From The Divergent Edge
Taking things personally is a human experience. If you are also navigating ADHD or other forms of neurodivergence, it can feel heavier and harder to shake. You do not have to figure it out alone.
The Divergent Edge is a neurodivergent-led practice offering therapeutic ADHD coaching, counselling, and workplace support across Australia. Our approach blends lived experience with clinical expertise so you get practical strategies and a compassionate space to try them. We help you:
- Build emotional regulation skills that fit your life
- Set and hold boundaries with clarity and confidence
- Develop routines that support calmer, steadier days
- Navigate work and relationships without losing yourself
If you are ready for support that is human, practical, and affirming, we are here to help.
